Exactly one month ago today Ray and I stood paralyzed in shock and utter devastation as we unexpectedly and unwilling realized we were entering into the first truly tragic experience and season in our marriage.
1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
Kubler-Ross. What a genius.
I handed in my final papers to finish the first semester of seminary today. It is common for practicing Christians to enter into to seminary and lose the ability to easily identify the presence of the Holy Spirit in scripture and daily life, simply because we are constantly and critically discussing, reading, writing and forming our beliefs and understanding of the Trinity and of scripture.
God held me in my denial.
Grief is difficult to approach when you are the bystander, the friend, the community. It's true, most of the time people simply don't know what to do or say. As a majority, we are not well versed in counseling techniques (nor are we all supposed to be). And, with incredible hearts and an honest desire to do well, you end up hearing a lot about it being "apart of God's plan," "possibly too much exercising," or "that gluten-free vegetarian diet."
God was present in my anger.
Bargaining. It does not work. Though it is some times the only "rational" action to take.
God quietly listened as I begged and bargained.
There is a scene in the film Titanic (no, not that one) that came to mind as I found myself again in the presence of God, broken, weeping and without words. As freezing water is pounding in on Jack and Rose, they find themselves in a hall with no apparent way out as the water is rising faster than they can breathe. For a moment all they can do is simply stand frozen, staring disillusioned at the water that is crushing them. Depression.
God (in many forms) stood with me, holding my hand, as the threatening waters raged.
Acceptance. As the sun crept over this morning's horizon, God's new mercies lifted a weight off my soul and gave me a taste of joy. Joy that disappeared four weeks ago today.
While Ray and I have deeply mourned the death of our first child, we lifted our eyes hills, knowing where our help comes from. Hallelujah it comes from Yahweh. THE maker of heaven and earth. As we enter into the Advent season, we continue to lift our eyes to hills, in preparation and gratitude of the coming of another child; our salvation.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Great is His Faithfulness, O God, My Father
We lift up our eyes to the hills--
Where does our help come from?
Our help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let our foot slip--
he who watches over us will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over us--
the Lord is our shade at our right hand;
the sun will not harm us by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep us from all harm--
he will watch over our life;
the Lord will watch over our coming and going
both now
and forever more.
Where does our help come from?
Our help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let our foot slip--
he who watches over us will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over us--
the Lord is our shade at our right hand;
the sun will not harm us by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep us from all harm--
he will watch over our life;
the Lord will watch over our coming and going
both now
and forever more.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saying No and Marriage
Saying no is not something I am particularly good at, especially when it comes to being involved in extra-curricular activities.
Although I think I've always been the over-involved type, I like to blame this habit on Baylor; the most over-active, extra-curricular-crazed University in the nation. Baylor taught me how to be busy and be good at it. I thrive on schedules planned down to the minute; bouncing from one activity to the next, deliriously tired and blissfully happy. I think this kind of life style is great, fun and formative . . . as a single college student.
In a family, a marriage, a relationship where your schedule and desires are not the only things to be considered, it is unhealthy and damaging.
I knew this would be a struggle for me when Ray and I married. Being back on campus this semester I have been reminded why. I LOVE leading, ministering, teaching. Just in the past few weeks I have been asked to serve on Truett's recruitment team, teach a yoga/positive image class for a dorm community on campus, lead a spiritual life youth ministry team and help the counseling center head-up their new champagne on relationship abuse awareness.
On Sunday mornings before church I have started watching a show called Marriage Today, with Jimmy and Karen Evans. Although we have some vastly different views on "god-given" roles in marriage, they give some incredible tools for Christian marriage. The Evans have experienced difficult problems in their relationship, nearly divorced and now minister to the Church by talking through the declining state of marriage and family in our nation and teaching Christians ways in which we can fortify our marriages against similar sins and destruction.
The discussion this morning focused on the way Christian couples and their families have fallen into the unhealthy habit of our society . . . being over-scheduled and over plugged-in to technology. They showed how the stress from a severely over-active life style leaves us emotionally drained and ultimately unavailable to be actively involved in relationships with one another. They reminded me this morning that God created a rhythm in our weeks and our days. Part of that rhythm invites, requires and even demands rest, restoration and sabbath.
The more I have become aware of our society's dismissal of sabbath, the more I have been determined to live out my marriage and raise my family with and in a different mindset. For me, this means I have to learn to slow down. I have to realize that I spend 10 hours a week on the road, I'm in graduate school full-time and I work part-time. If I want to continue to be healthy personally and in my relationship with my husband, I have to say no. Even if it is to things love, things that are good and life-giving. If I want to have a a healthy marriage and raise children in a mindset that differs from our society, I have to start now, today. I have to learn live in and receive the God ordained gift of sabbath.
Although I think I've always been the over-involved type, I like to blame this habit on Baylor; the most over-active, extra-curricular-crazed University in the nation. Baylor taught me how to be busy and be good at it. I thrive on schedules planned down to the minute; bouncing from one activity to the next, deliriously tired and blissfully happy. I think this kind of life style is great, fun and formative . . . as a single college student.
In a family, a marriage, a relationship where your schedule and desires are not the only things to be considered, it is unhealthy and damaging.
I knew this would be a struggle for me when Ray and I married. Being back on campus this semester I have been reminded why. I LOVE leading, ministering, teaching. Just in the past few weeks I have been asked to serve on Truett's recruitment team, teach a yoga/positive image class for a dorm community on campus, lead a spiritual life youth ministry team and help the counseling center head-up their new champagne on relationship abuse awareness.
On Sunday mornings before church I have started watching a show called Marriage Today, with Jimmy and Karen Evans. Although we have some vastly different views on "god-given" roles in marriage, they give some incredible tools for Christian marriage. The Evans have experienced difficult problems in their relationship, nearly divorced and now minister to the Church by talking through the declining state of marriage and family in our nation and teaching Christians ways in which we can fortify our marriages against similar sins and destruction.
The discussion this morning focused on the way Christian couples and their families have fallen into the unhealthy habit of our society . . . being over-scheduled and over plugged-in to technology. They showed how the stress from a severely over-active life style leaves us emotionally drained and ultimately unavailable to be actively involved in relationships with one another. They reminded me this morning that God created a rhythm in our weeks and our days. Part of that rhythm invites, requires and even demands rest, restoration and sabbath.
The more I have become aware of our society's dismissal of sabbath, the more I have been determined to live out my marriage and raise my family with and in a different mindset. For me, this means I have to learn to slow down. I have to realize that I spend 10 hours a week on the road, I'm in graduate school full-time and I work part-time. If I want to continue to be healthy personally and in my relationship with my husband, I have to say no. Even if it is to things love, things that are good and life-giving. If I want to have a a healthy marriage and raise children in a mindset that differs from our society, I have to start now, today. I have to learn live in and receive the God ordained gift of sabbath.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Your Mercies are New Every Morning
I took my first Christian History test today. Everything from Jesus to 1204 . . . no big deal. Actually, I was thankful to find my hours of studying paid off or at least I think it did.
Seminary has been incredible, but I must admit that there have been few if any days I have left history and scriptures classes encouraged by humanity.
Ever read through the Old Testament? I'll be honest, I've never sat down and read books through the way they are meant to be read.
Holy cow. I.t. i.s. a.w.f.u.l.
Story after story God's people, people he loves and forgives over and over again, people he delivers and rescues when they whine and cry only to forget him mere verses later, fill the pages. Want to read about incest, horrific rape, brutal violence, adultery, and every other awful thing you can think of? Don't go rent a R-rated film, read the Old Testament. Humanity . . . we're not looking so good.
Christian history . . . not any better. Fights, torture, schism.
It has left me noticing myself in the stories and wanting to hide. At the same time, it has helped me realize that our universal church is not in a new "off and lost" place. Rather, we are in the same place we have always been; making choices that bring us away from the Trinity, choosing (like the Israelites) to worship other Gods (money, work, "success") and so quickly forgetting the one who came to restore us.
Although the track record of Christians is hardly impressive, I have been overwhelmed by the undeniable grace, patience, and unconditional love God has and continues to give to his lost, selfish, conditional children.
Praise you God, for your mercies ARE new every morning and I would surely not survive without them.
Seminary has been incredible, but I must admit that there have been few if any days I have left history and scriptures classes encouraged by humanity.
Ever read through the Old Testament? I'll be honest, I've never sat down and read books through the way they are meant to be read.
Holy cow. I.t. i.s. a.w.f.u.l.
Story after story God's people, people he loves and forgives over and over again, people he delivers and rescues when they whine and cry only to forget him mere verses later, fill the pages. Want to read about incest, horrific rape, brutal violence, adultery, and every other awful thing you can think of? Don't go rent a R-rated film, read the Old Testament. Humanity . . . we're not looking so good.
Christian history . . . not any better. Fights, torture, schism.
It has left me noticing myself in the stories and wanting to hide. At the same time, it has helped me realize that our universal church is not in a new "off and lost" place. Rather, we are in the same place we have always been; making choices that bring us away from the Trinity, choosing (like the Israelites) to worship other Gods (money, work, "success") and so quickly forgetting the one who came to restore us.
Although the track record of Christians is hardly impressive, I have been overwhelmed by the undeniable grace, patience, and unconditional love God has and continues to give to his lost, selfish, conditional children.
Praise you God, for your mercies ARE new every morning and I would surely not survive without them.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
life-giving
I'm a big believer in intentionally seeking out things and people that give you life and fill you up.
Although seminary has been difficult and stretching, God has responded to my need to be filled by others in an overwhelming way.
Ray and I joined a life group of young married couples a few weeks ago. Most of the group has been together for several years, yet they warmly welcomed us and have made us feel like family. They have the incredible (healthy) ability to go from have having fun, to being completely vulnerable and honest.
The joy that characterizes our new-found community and the passionate commitment each couple has to one another fills me with life.
Praising The Provider today and grateful for His love.
Although seminary has been difficult and stretching, God has responded to my need to be filled by others in an overwhelming way.
Ray and I joined a life group of young married couples a few weeks ago. Most of the group has been together for several years, yet they warmly welcomed us and have made us feel like family. They have the incredible (healthy) ability to go from have having fun, to being completely vulnerable and honest.
The joy that characterizes our new-found community and the passionate commitment each couple has to one another fills me with life.
Praising The Provider today and grateful for His love.
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