Katherine Eleanor - A Rainbow Baby's Birth

*This Post Contains Pictures (which are copy-written and cannot be used without permission) of a water birth. 

So, yeah. You've been warned.*

 

Katherine’s birth was a dream eight years in the making. Although the envisioned dream of my perfect birth experience didn’t begin in the safety and comfort of my own home, 

it became that over time.

Before I write out the details (mostly for myself than anyone else), I want to pause and say that I humbly, deeply, sacredly know and understand that not everyone woman gets to experience her dream birth. Some women don’t experience their dream because of medical issues, education (or lack there of), access to a particular style of maternity care, or being in an environment that doesn’t give the mother a voice. Some women have no choice where and when to birth due to insurance polices. Some women must struggle through the PTSD of a violated sacred space to give birth. Some women can’t imagine birthing after a traumatic birth experience; while others may be dealing with the silent sorrowful suffering of an empty womb or cradle.

Having had four miscarriages and having given birth and then burying two beautiful girls, I type these words and relive this story with deep and unending gratitude. I know many, many women who would give pieces of themselves to experience their own perfect, beautiful, safe, and peaceful birth, and I vow to always remember and hold close the sacred gift I was given in the birth of

 Katherine Eleanor.  

I was huge and carrying low for weeks. Although Katherine was “due” on Christmas, I (and everyone else) was certain Katherine would make her entrance early. Looking back, I’m not at all surprised she waited until she did to make her earth-side arrival.

But let’s back up.

You get a positive pregnancy test and what do you do?

Laugh? Cry? Cheer? Tell your best friend? Call your mom?

Nope.

Not me.

I immediately emailed my DBT aka “Dream Birth Team.” Dawn, Brandy, and Taryn. They, in my not so humble opinion, are the three most brilliant, loving, and talented women in home birth midwifery care in the state of Oklahoma. Brandy and Taryn were incredible doulas during Maggie and Ellen’s birth and we couldn’t imagine entrusting the sacred space and work of birth to any one else. We had actually interviewed with Dawn prior to knowing we were pregnant with twins, so when Katherine came along and we had already interviewed several midwifes and knew Dawn was the way to go.

 

Preparing for birth this go around was empowering. Thanks to my birth with the girls, I didn’t give any head or heart space to worrying if I could handle the discomfort of labor. I already knew I had lived through the most difficult birth I could imagine, so no matter how great the discomfort, I knew I had the strength needed to naturally give birth to a healthy, living baby.

December 26^th

 

My In-laws had arrived the day after Christmas and planned to stay a few days to meet Katherine.

Oops. Sorry Granna and Papa!

When the time came for them to head back to Texas Ray, Abigail, and I decided that Abigail would travel with Granna and Papa and be dropped off in Dallas with my parents, sister, and niece to play for a few days. This would give us a few days to tidy the house and spend some time alone before our family grew.

Abigail left with grandparents early Wednesday morning, December 30^th, while Ray and I made plans to clean the house and celebrate the end of year with dinner at The Melting Pot.

After saying goodbye to Abigail and realizing we were alone, with no family in the state, I became determined to go into labor.

I sent out a plea of facebook for some clary sage oil, which was responded to quickly. Soon after, a friend brought the oil by and I figured I’d try some clary sage in a bath after dinner.  And that’s exactly what we did. After a yummy Melting Pot dinner, I soaked in a bath with about 10 drops  of clary sage oil. Ray and I closed out the evening with the movie Selma and I feel hard and fast asleep . . .

only to shoot straight up in bed a few hours later.

You know how in Hollywood movies the woman’s water always breaks in a massive, dramatic gush? That’s not the way majority of women experience the breaking of waters, but in my case, I did (although I didn’t realize it at the time).

At 1:25 AM on December 31, 2015, I shot straight up in bed.

“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” I frantically thought. “Oh my sweet baby Jesus, I just peed on myself. What in world?! How embarrassing. Oh, man, please don’t tell me Ray is awake. Maybe I can get out of bed without him noticing. Seriously woman, how old are you? Wait, I wonder if that was my water? Nah, surely not. It would still be leaking, right? But, that was a massive gush of water. ”

Variations of this conversation went on for a minute or so. Mostly, I was mortified at the thought of having wet the bed as a freaking 29 year old and was doing everything I could to not wake Ray in case that was the fact.

In case that was the fact  . . . good heavens, the things pregnancy does to a lady.

Do you remember in Maggie and Ellen’s birth story how I said that some times   women in labor seem to deny they are in labor? Yeah, that’s still me. Not long after I “wet the bed,” I had my first contraction.

After toying with the wording, I finally texted Dawn and Taryn at 2:10 am. I decided since I surely wasn’t in labor that I’d let Brandy (who was pregnant with twins) sleep as long as possible. At this point I had had 6 contractions in a little over 30 minutes. It was at this time I began timing my contractions, which were 60 – 90 seconds in length and 3 -4 minutes apart . . . yeah, no labor happening here! Ray woke up soon after I texted and began helping me tidy up the bedroom and get out our birth kit “just in case.”

For the next hour I danced around my bedroom in the darkness with the Christmas lights twinkling around the bathtub. After nearly an hour of saying “I think you should call the midwife,” Ray finally convinced me that contractions lasting 90 seconds every 3 minutes maybe warranted a call to the midwife who lived 2 hours away. I felt awful calling, since I was sure these contractions would sputter out and I would have woken her up for nothing.  I made the call and Dawn let me know she would begin packing up and making her way to Shawnee.

I have never been one to “visualize” goals. After the loss of Maggie and Ellen, our acupuncturist gave Ray and I a fantastic meditation on grief, which we listened to almost every night. During Katherine’s pregnancy I continued to listen to the meditation on grief and added a pregnancy one as well. These two meditations were my soundtrack every night while falling asleep. It wasn’t until labor that I realized what an effect these meditations had on me.

As labor progressed I sat on a birth ball at the edge of the bed, rocking side-to-side, and instinctively I began chanting to myself “it’s not pain, it’s just pressure. It’s not pain, it’s just pressure.” Over and over again I said this to myself and visualized breathing the pressure out and down; melting the cervix away. What was crazy to me is my mind believed what I said and my body did what I asked. I said it wasn’t pain and all of a sudden – there was no pain.  Every once in a while I’d think “WOW! I can’t believe this is works! (Enter pain) Stop Sarah, focus!! It’s not pain, it’s just pressure…” By welcoming each contraction, saying to myself it wasn’t painful and telling my body I didn’t want to fight against it but help it, labor progressed with little discomfort and shocking speed.

Around 5:15 am the first midwife assistant, Taryn, arrived at the house. The contraction she arrived during was the first one that was incredibly intense and, well let’s be honest, painful. Pretty sure she arrived right as transition began. I was on all fours on my bed and she was quietly rubbing my back. When the contraction ended she said “how are you feeling, Sarah? You sounded a bit pushy at the top of that contraction.” Laughing a bit, I responded, “yeah that one was rough, but seriously I bet I’m only dilated to a 2.” Taryn quietly went about the house setting the birthing materials out and blowing up the birthing pool, as I wanted to give birth by the lights of the still-standing Christmas tree.

Up until this point I needed to be alone to focus on the rhythm of each contraction, but now I needed Ray to hold my hand. He only left for one or two contractions to hook up the water for the birth pool. While he was gone Trayn rubbed my back and offered counter pressure. When Ray came back into the room Taryn suggested I get in my bathtub while waiting for the birth pool to fill up. Once she said we could make the water as hot as I wanted (knowing we could easily cool it down) I said “Yes, Please!”

At 5:20ish I got into a nice, warm tub. AHHHHHH. There is a reason they say water is like an epidural. My body immediately relaxed and the discomfort melted away. I noticed our head midwife, Dawn, in the room around 5:40 am (although I think she was there beforehand). Dawn and Taryn walked into the room and Ray asked if he should begin filling the birth pool up. The response was something to the effect of “Oh no, we are having a baby here pretty soon. We won’t have time to fill up the pool and transfer Sarah.” I actually didn’t hear this conversation, and was still in a place of not really comprehending that I was not only in labor but moving quickly through transition.

The water was amazing and provided almost complete relief from all discomfort . . . for three contractions. Then Katherine began making her way under the pubic bone. I think this was the most painful and slightly entertaining parts of the labor for me. It was a very out-of-body-circus-like experience. A contraction would begin and my first response was to yell, and then the doula voice in my head would say “hush Sarah! You’re wasting energy. Take a deep breathe, tuck you chin and PUSH!” I would push with all my might, which would relieve the pain for a few seconds

 “Oh, this isn’t so bad . . . Oh wait . . . yes it is!!”

Then the contraction would end and I’d have a minute or so break before it began again. At one point I inwardly panicked, thinking “WHY IN THE WORLD DID I WANT TO DO THIS?! This was a huge mistake. ***************** I can’t make it to a hospital for drugs now. Oh well, here we go again . . .”

Once her head made it under the pubic bone I knew this was the point in labor where the poor mama plays the “one step forward - two steps back” game. I decided I was NOT going to participate in that game and kept Katherine’s head as far down as I could in-between contractions. This means I was pretty much pushing or keeping pressure down all the time. Maybe not the best approach, but it was pretty instinctual in the moment.

One of the most empowering moments I remember was close to the end of labor. Dawn checked Katherine’s heart rate in between each contraction and she of course asked every time before checking. At one point she asked to check and I said “No! No one touch me!” For whatever reason, in that moment, I needed my space in order to stay in the mindset I needed to be in. She simply responded, “OK,” and that was it. What an amazing, empowering gift – to have your opinion and permission requested and then listened to! In fact, I was never internally “checked for progress,” during labor. Most of the time I was touched it was upon my request. Brandy, Taryn, and Dawn sat quietly, held my hand, spoke encouraging words, and simply allowed me to do what I needed to do. These women and my husband trusted my body’s ability to safely birth my baby. What a gift.

Once Katherine began crowning it only took two contractions for her to pop out, at 6:33 am on New Years Eve. Just a little over 5 hours after my water broke.

Dawn checked for to make sure the umbilical cord wasn’t tightly wrapped around Katherine’s neck, while I held on to Katherine, assisted her out of the birth canal, pulled her up out of the water and to my chest.

Enter all the ugly crying.

Katherine was born and gave a big beautiful cry. I, a total mess, kept thanking her for being alive and telling her how beautiful she was. Katherine and I stayed in the bath for a bit. The big, beautifully purple (very different from Maggie and Ellen’s white and bright red) placenta came easily. Brandy gave me a shot of pitocin as it looked like I was losing bit more blood than they wanted. Ray was beaming and I was in shock. “Did I really just do that? 

YES! I DID. I JUST DID THAT!”

About 10 minutes after Katherine was born we stepped out of the tub and walked 10 feet to the bed. Katherine and I were carefully tended to. Once we were settled and clearly healthy, our three midwives packed up and headed home. By 10:30 am we were alone, in the peace and quite of our own home, with our precious new life snuggled on my chest.

There was no one to interrupt us. No one even knew Katherine had been born. The peace and beauty of those sacred moments were surreal, amazing, and will be forever etched into our very souls.

I cannot say enough about the team of women who assisted my family. Their expertise gave me the confidence to allow my body to do what it was capable of – knowing that if there was a 1 in a million chance of something “going wrong,” I was in safe hands.

My husband, my partner, the man who sees things in me I can’t and believes in me in ways I don’t fully believe in myself . . . this dream birth would never have happened without him.

And finally, the creator and giver of life. This birth experience was nothing other than a lavish gift of grace. I don't think it's a coincidence that this was written December 31, 2014, only to find ourselves here on December 31, 2015.

After Maggie and Ellen's death I have found it really difficult to pray for specific things. Weird as it may sound, I prayed very specifically that I'd go into labor in the middle of the night, so I wouldn't have to worry about when to call my anxious family or feel guilty about holding her birth in silence even if just for a few hours. That prayer was answered.

Emmanuel, God is still with us. God hears our prayers.

People always remark on Katherine’s peaceful, relaxed, and happy demeanor. I truly believe she is this way because she experienced a peaceful, relaxed, happy, and safe entrance into this world.

Happy 7 months of earth-side life, Katherine Eleanor.

We are so lucky to call you our own. 

(pictures cannot be used without permission of owner)