A Birthless Birthday

December 19th - The day I have been dreading. 
Today was supposed to be the day of Maggie and Ellen's birth. 
To again wake up to world robbed of their precious lives and
 unfulfilled possibilities seems impossible; yet here we are. 
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.

Our God is with us.
Oh God, please be with us.
Emmanuel.

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Dear Maggie and Ellen, 

Happy December 19th! Today was supposed to be your birthday - a day of deep joy and celebration. Unbeknownst to you - you would have shared this special day of birth with your grandmother - my momma. You don't know your grandmother yet, but let me tell you - she's the best, most creative, most loving, most thoughtful, and most fun grandmother there ever was. Not that she has favorites, but sharing a birthday with her, well, you two would have been . . . you know; we'll just keep that a secret from your sister and cousins. 

If I'm being honest (and after this year daddy will tell you honesty is the most important thing in the world), mommy has been scared of this day arriving. The closer it's gotten, the more I have become powerless to control the endless stream of tears welling up from my devastated soul. 

I miss you girls. 

I miss you more than I ever knew I could miss anyone. I ache for your little lives so deeply that sometimes I think my longing for you could bring you back to me. 

If only loving could make it so. 

Your big sister misses you too. Magellen - she calls you two. She asks for you often; keeps thinking you will suddenly arrive one day. That's hard and heartbreaking. She's a fabulous big sister and loves you both deeply. She wants to take care of you so much. The last time she visited your grave, she noticed the temporary marker was covered in dirt (she's extremely observant), and without blinking an eye bent down and said, "Oh no! I'm so sorry sisters," and began cleaning off the marker, then gathering gifts of rocks and sticks to leave for you.  

Your daddy - I can't even describe how much he misses you both. Daddy is a teacher and life-long learner, and he mourns the moments he'll never have with either of you. He longs to teach you about golf, Greek, and God. He wants play, sing, dance, and wrestle with you; just like he does with your older sister. He wants you to really understand why (not just be able to recite) Lebron James is the best athlete in the world (in his not-so-humble opinion).  

The thing we long to teach you about the most - well - you both know more about than we do. 

"And to think, when they opened their eyes, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus."

This truth gives me strength and hope. Gives me the ability to keep breathing. To wake up every day and make the choice to keep living, not just existing. I'll admit - sometimes I'm jealous. You with Jesus - Jesus with you. You know each others smiles and laughs. You play games and sing songs together. I imagine you three, one of each side of Jesus, walking hand-in-hand. 

It makes me hurt for home. 

Sometimes I worry (mommies do that a lot) if you're being taken care of. Then I'm quickly reminded that God created mommies (and daddies), so God must be a pretty good mommy, since God made us mommies to love the way we do.

I imagine every day in paradise is full of joy and beauty. I hope that today you notice a tiny bit more joy. See, we're having a party for you both today. Some of our friends (actually more than I fear will fit in our house), who have become our family during this time of great grief, are coming to celebrate you - Maggie and Ellen - and your "should-have-been-birthday." That's how much you're loved. That's how much you're missed. That's how much you impacted this imperfect planet in the short time you were here.  

Maggie and Ellen, mommy and daddy are so proud of you. You have changed our lives. You made us forever a family of 5. Nothing will ever change that. Your place in our hearts and in our family will never diminish. 

We will love you forever. 

We will miss for always. 

As long as we're living.

Our babies you'll be.