You May Have All this World. Give Me . . .

The Tattoo.

I've always wanted one but never had much of a reason to put myself through the pain and foreverness a tattoo requires. 

Now I do.

I wasn't completely sure how I'd feel about it once it was done. 

Let's hope I like it, right? 

I do.

I've had several pieces of beautiful jewelry honoring Maggie and Ellen gifted to me. Over the weeks I've found myself feeling quite guilty if I wasn't wearing them or if I wanted to wear something else. As a result I haven't worn much other than my wedding ring. 

Though it may seem odd, this tattoo makes me feel like I'm honoring Maggie and Ellen all the time. 

And it helps me remember. 

I need help remembering. 

Emmanuel.

God is with us.

Even when I'm lost. Even when I'm angry. 

Even when the pain is so real and heavy it's hard to function. 

Emmanuel. 

God is with me. 

I needed that reminder as I sat in church this morning. 

A choir from Oklahoma Baptist University led our music today. And during a version of Give Me Jesus, similar to this one, I began to weep. 

The music created a vision. 

All of a sudden I saw Maggie and Ellen, about Abigail's age, 

singing this to Jesus as he tucked them into bed.

They were happy, loved, and singing to their true parent. 

They love Jesus with such an innocent and pure love.

Emmanuel. 

God is with them.

I sat and watched this in my mind and found myself overwhelmed with grief.

I want to hear their voices. I want to listen to them pray. 

I want to tuck them into bed each night and teach them to sing Give Me Jesus.

Although there is a place somewhere inside me that is deeply grateful Jesus is caring for His girls, today I found myself envious that Christ knows Maggie and Ellen and I don't. 

He knows the sound of their laughter, the look of their smiles, the warmth of their hugs.

They will always be His girls, but they were mine as well. 

Oh what I'd give for but a moment in their precious presence. 

Thank you, Lord, that when I'm jealous, in pain, and can't bring myself to sing 

"you may have all this world; give me Jesus," this truth remains - you are Emmanuel. 

God is with us. 

God is with me. 

God is with them. 

God is here.