Sunday morning my family woke up together, in Texas.
That day marked our 14th day away from home.
Thankfully the weather cleared up long enough to make it back to the Sooner state.
On day 13, Ray and I woke up to be reunited with Abigail.
We had been separated for 12 days.
Had she not been in the care of the best grandparents and aunts in the world,
there is no way we would have survived such a long (at least what seems long to us) separation.
Days 2-10, Ray and I were here:
Marble, Colorado.
We came here because 20 days ago, we realized we needed help.
Having children die in your arms is something no person should ever have to experience.
Watching your children be lowered into the cold, hard ground . . . that just messes you up.
Add that to three years in a, as my friend Glennon Melton says, brutiful (beautiful + brutal) church; and what you get is a perfect recipe for burn-out.
Add that to three years in a, as my friend Glennon Melton says, brutiful (beautiful + brutal) church; and what you get is a perfect recipe for burn-out.
I've written pretty openly here about grief and how odd and unpredictable it can be.
You're going along, having survived the holidays and celebrated the 3rd year of your miracle child's life when, out of no where, something that was once normal collides with a life that's no longer normal, and the bottom falls out.
For Ray, it was two funerals, done in the same week,
at the same place Maggie and Ellen are buried.
In all honesty, neither of us were ourselves.
We were worn from grief and exhausted from a year
that had tested and tried us from start to finish.
"The year from hell", as we not-so-affectionately refer to it.
I would never make light of what a mother's heart and soul goes through in losing a child, but in some ways I think this kind of grief can be even more difficult for a father's heart and soul.
Ray went back to work full-time, two days after M&E's funeral.
Have you ever googled books for grieving father's who've lost babies?
They don't really exist.
Often times men go into "fix it and keep it together" mode, and
they don't have the time or space or energy to properly deal with their very real grief.
So what happens?
Months down the road, something inside is triggered,
in a PTSD kind of way, and you realize you have a mountain of grief in front you.
This mountain of grief gives you two options:
1. Climb me.
or
2. Be killed by me.
My husband, in his most humble and brave moment, decided to climb.
This wasn't an easy decision as it required a very public request for
unexpected time off from our church.
But thankfully my husband is brave and my church is loving.
So we packed up, left a huge chunk of our heart in Texas,
and headed to the middle-of-no-where Colorado
for a 10 day counseling intensive specifically designed for ministers and missionaries.
The ministry of Marble has been active for 41 years and
has walked alongside over 4,000 broken and burned-out full-time ministers of The Gospel.
The two things that concerned us the most
was group-session therapy and funding.
As someone who currently struggles with understanding and believing how and if God is involved in the world, I can't deny that only Holy intervention got us to Marble.
It just so happened that no other couples or individuals had signed up for our session.
We would have our incredible counselors to ourselves, for 6 hours, every day.
A 10 day counseling intensive, with food and lodging and everything else you might ever need included, is not (as you can probably imagine) cheap.
My endlessly loving and well-connected sister put out a request for help and within a matter of days over $3000 came flooding in from people Ray and I will never know. People who simply want to care for those in the ministry. People who understand The Church is losing thousands of ministers every year to burn-out. Our church graciously paid the remainder of the needed fee and off we went.
Upon arriving one of the first questions we had to deal with was why we were there.
Yes, our daughters died, and that in and of itself is traumatic,
but we went for reasons beyond Maggie and Ellen.
Ray and I deeply believe in the theology of The Priesthood of Believers. We are all messengers of The Gospel. We are all invited to join God's work in the world, in our unique roles and vocations. Yet, Ray and I know from a life-time of experience, that it's different when your life is full-time ministry.
It's an "all-in" calling. It's not a job Ray leaves at the door of our home. In fact some of our most fruitful ministry is done inside our home. It's an all day, every day kind of life.
We love it and honestly don't know anything different.
Yet, we are still learning how to do it well and in a healthy way.
In a way that we don't burn-out at the age of 30 and begin being the best
nurse midwife and basketball coaching couple in the US.
We went for our ministry, yes, but more specifically, we went for our church.
Our church is such a unique blend of people. All really good people, from really different backgrounds, socioeconomic levels, political, and theological positions.
I've personally never seen such a diverse group of people be church together for such a long time.
Although they are wonderful and rare, they have some rough pieces of history (as we all do).
Even with the harder pieces of history and the things we've struggled through in the past three years, Ray and I have been deeply loved by these precious people.
All the character-building moments aside -
we know we've hit the jackpot with the hearts and souls of the people of FBC Shawnee.
We are lucky they have chosen us to serve them and live life alongside them.
Ultimately, we know that in order to serve these people well, we must be healthy and whole.
Imagine what God could do in a place with healthy congregants and healthy ministers,
who mutually choose each other and respond to the invitation of God.
This wasn't an easy decision as it required a very public request for
unexpected time off from our church.
But thankfully my husband is brave and my church is loving.
So we packed up, left a huge chunk of our heart in Texas,
and headed to the middle-of-no-where Colorado
for a 10 day counseling intensive specifically designed for ministers and missionaries.
The ministry of Marble has been active for 41 years and
has walked alongside over 4,000 broken and burned-out full-time ministers of The Gospel.
The two things that concerned us the most
was group-session therapy and funding.
As someone who currently struggles with understanding and believing how and if God is involved in the world, I can't deny that only Holy intervention got us to Marble.
It just so happened that no other couples or individuals had signed up for our session.
We would have our incredible counselors to ourselves, for 6 hours, every day.
A 10 day counseling intensive, with food and lodging and everything else you might ever need included, is not (as you can probably imagine) cheap.
My endlessly loving and well-connected sister put out a request for help and within a matter of days over $3000 came flooding in from people Ray and I will never know. People who simply want to care for those in the ministry. People who understand The Church is losing thousands of ministers every year to burn-out. Our church graciously paid the remainder of the needed fee and off we went.
Upon arriving one of the first questions we had to deal with was why we were there.
Yes, our daughters died, and that in and of itself is traumatic,
but we went for reasons beyond Maggie and Ellen.
Ray and I deeply believe in the theology of The Priesthood of Believers. We are all messengers of The Gospel. We are all invited to join God's work in the world, in our unique roles and vocations. Yet, Ray and I know from a life-time of experience, that it's different when your life is full-time ministry.
It's an "all-in" calling. It's not a job Ray leaves at the door of our home. In fact some of our most fruitful ministry is done inside our home. It's an all day, every day kind of life.
We love it and honestly don't know anything different.
Yet, we are still learning how to do it well and in a healthy way.
In a way that we don't burn-out at the age of 30 and begin being the best
nurse midwife and basketball coaching couple in the US.
We went for our ministry, yes, but more specifically, we went for our church.
Our church is such a unique blend of people. All really good people, from really different backgrounds, socioeconomic levels, political, and theological positions.
I've personally never seen such a diverse group of people be church together for such a long time.
Although they are wonderful and rare, they have some rough pieces of history (as we all do).
Even with the harder pieces of history and the things we've struggled through in the past three years, Ray and I have been deeply loved by these precious people.
All the character-building moments aside -
we know we've hit the jackpot with the hearts and souls of the people of FBC Shawnee.
We are lucky they have chosen us to serve them and live life alongside them.
Ultimately, we know that in order to serve these people well, we must be healthy and whole.
Imagine what God could do in a place with healthy congregants and healthy ministers,
who mutually choose each other and respond to the invitation of God.
"So, why are you here?"
The question that took an entire day to fully answer.
We went to Marble to grieve our great loss and grain our savior's strength.
We went to learn how to be wounded healers, who are a bit more healthy and whole.
We went to better ourselves for the daughter we love with all the love this world has to offer.
We went for ourselves - to rediscover the people God has created us to be.
The question that took an entire day to fully answer.
We went to Marble to grieve our great loss and grain our savior's strength.
We went to learn how to be wounded healers, who are a bit more healthy and whole.
We went to better ourselves for the daughter we love with all the love this world has to offer.
We went for ourselves - to rediscover the people God has created us to be.
Our time and experience at Marble Retreat will forever be one of those spiritual markers in our lives as individuals and as a couple. A safe place we were could go and receive help, healing, and hope. Far too many people (ministers and congregants alike), suffer in silence and fear seeking help.
If you are reading this and find yourself in such a place, I pray you will find the courage to seek help. God gave us each other, the church, as companions on our life journey. Reach out your hand; seek help and healing, so that you can emerge as the whole and healthy person God intended and created you to be.
