11 Days
December 19th. The date my c-section would have been. How did it get here so quickly?
Confessions
I've had a lot of tears today. There haven't been many days filled with tears - which is unusual - as I am not one to shy away from or shove back tears.
I haven't spoken to God much in the last 9 weeks. Talked about God - yes - and often.
Talked to God . . . not so much.
Today I finally did - hence the tears.
Understanding
I'm a deeply introspective person. I like to understand why I'm feeling the way I am, where the feeling comes from, how it got there, if it needs to go or stay, be strengthened or demolished. It's like a puzzle - my feelings - that I love working to solve.
When it comes to how I've felt about the death of Maggie and Ellen in relationship God, I've had a hard time solving the puzzle of feelings.
I'm married to a seminary educated man. My parents, sister, father-in-law, and the majority of my close friends are all seminary educated people. Heck, I have half a Masters of Divinity myself. Theology - as you can imagine - is a topic that frequents many of my conversations. My understanding of who God is and how God interacts in and with the world changes as God reveals more of God's self to me and as life continues to unfold in unexpected ways.
Sitting here one year ago, I found myself a bit annoyed with God. God was inviting and encouraging me to more deeply explore what I believed about God's interaction in and with the world. Why? At that time I didn't understand. Sitting here today, I am so thankful for that invitation. Now I know God was graciously preparing me to survive 2014 and all the death, pain, and hell its brought with it.
I'm married to a seminary educated man - who is a pastor.
One of the unwritten pastor's wife proverbs goes something like this:
A wise pastor's wife keeps the intricacies of her theology to herself.
This year, I was led to a new understanding of who God is and how God interacts with humanity.
This new understanding is the reason I haven't felt the need to ask God why Maggie and Ellen died. It's the reason I haven't felt angry with or abandoned by God.
The reason that no matter how overwhelmed by grief I feel, I can still proclaim with honesty, "Emmanuel. God with us."
So what have I been feeling? What has kept me from bringing my deep sorrow to God?
Thankfully, a recent conversation led me to the answer.
Mercy
Have you ever begged for something; love, forgiveness, or like my daughter, just one more episode of Dinosaur Train?
The feeling of receiving something you've desperately hoped, longed, and asked for - ah - that joy could run the world.
The feeling of being denied . . . that pain . . . crushing.
I feel like we begged for mercy. We begged, pleaded, and petitioned.
I did.
He did.
They did.
Thousands did.
I feel like we begged for mercy and got none.
Even writing that - I know it's not the truth.
My dad, the soon-to-be General, likes to remind me that many times our feelings lie to us.
There are countless mercies we've received - my life for example.
Please hear me say that I see those mercies and have genuine gratitude for them.
Yet, as a mother, those aren't the miracles of mercy I wanted.
The mercy I wanted was in the form of Maggie Jane and Ellen Olivia Miller - alive and in my arms - 11 days from now.
The mercy I wanted was to spend another Advent growing life - not grieving death.
The truth of the moment
One of God's most current gifts of mercy is giving me the freedom to sit with my feelings; no matter how irrational or untrue they are. For the moment - God allows my feelings to be true, rational, and justified.
The truth of this moment is hurt.
It hurts that the God I believe to be the conqueror of death allowed my daughters to die.
Even though I don't believe God is in the business of protecting people from suffering and death, I wanted my daughters to be the exception. A miracle of mercy.
On a flight home this week I asked a woman of another religion how her day was going. She responded that her day was good - that every day was good. She went on to explain that it was never alright to say a day was bad, because if you did you'd make the God she believes in angry.
God sat with me today at Maggie and Ellen's grave as I cried and
spoke of my hurt. He sat quietly and allowed me to explore and express
my feelings and pain - the true and untrue, rational and irrational.
God welcomed me and my feelings with grace, peace, understanding, and kindness. I wasn't met with frustration or hostility, anger or unrealistic expectations.
The bearer of all burdens gently took 9 weeks worth of hurt and held that pain with me.
I serve a God who isn't afraid to enter into the mess of our world.
That is mercy.
Eventually I got up, wiped my eyes, and walked away from the grave; feeling empty but alive, hurt but not alone.
That is a miracle.
1 comment:
I have read each of your blogs and cried through every one. AS doula--there is nothing I want more than to hold your had and walk beside you. As a mother--I have wanted to just sit and listen to you talk of your girls--continue to give them voice. As a person who has walked through some unspeakable pain in my life but seen the Lord redeem it all--I wanted to say be in your hurt now. Let it flow over you. But do not loose hope. The one who loves us most will NOT let this be the end of our story. He is doing things behind the scenes now that you may not see for many years to come. Allow yourself to grieve as long as you need--but know that there is more to the story. Those sweet girls had soo much more to do and you cant even grasp it now. Love you dearly and continue to pray for your family. Someone once told me that on those days when I could not pray or look at my bible--to just lay it on my chest and let the Lord work through it. If we allow--he WILL work! Hugs....Lesley
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